The Ho Says...

Energy Drinks

2007-07-30T13:02:00.001-05:00

After several crazy days of running around like a chicken with it's head cut off (don't get your panties in a wad PETA, it's just a figure of speech), I found myself falling asleep while driving. This scared the crap out of me, so I stopped off for one of those so called energy drinks. My thinking was that if it will keep me awake long enough to get home, what's the harm? I must have looked lost or something while standing in front of the cooler trying to pick out a drink from the thousands of choices that were displayed, because a trucker looking dude asked if I needed help. I told him that I have never tried an energy drink before, he looked at me like I was some sort of freak but helped me pick one out any way. He said "This un here werks reel good little lady". I knew that I could trust his recommendation since he referred to me as little and a lady in the same sentence. Guess what?, the stuff works! I popped the tab and started drinking it as soon as I got back into my car, it tasted pretty good too. I perked right up, no worries about getting home now. I'm in such a good mood I think that I'll turn the radio on, ohhhhh, love that song...turn it up...no crank it up, rock on!!!! What a pretty butterfly, is it in my car???? Did that tree just wave at me? How nice...those people are honking and telling me that I'm #1 with hand gestures......I'm hungry...there's a Micky D's off the next exit...I hate Micky D's how about that Taco Bell then...I'll get gas...that's nasty...that guy is passing me...he must want to race...woohooo....faster.....oh no my drink is all gone....so sad.....I gotta pee....wow how did I get this far so fast?I'll be home in a few minutesthen I'll get somethingtoeatand anotherenergydrinkohwaitIdonthaveanyathomecoolcarwhatahunkdrivngitbethesgayallthecuteonesaremaybesomeonewillbringmeanotherengerydrinkineedaotheronegottahavemore........dothesepantsmakemelookfat?weeegoingsofastIlovedrivingfastmymindisgoingfast.....fastfastfast....

(((MUAH)))

UNDERGEAR

2007-07-22T22:24:00.001-05:00

While searching for pictures of Bert & Ernie, I came across this little fashion accessory...

Undergear Shape Enhancer Boxer
"Redefine your look in seconds! Get dramatic results from a padded front that promises a fuller, beefier silhouette. A defining center back seam that separates and creates a rounder appearance. Hipster back for ample coverage".

It comes in sizes small to XX-large. Don't get me wrong, I love checking out a nice package (that's how I met my husband), but Holy Mother of Pearl, a XX-Large bulge? I'd run away screaming. Every orifice on my body would be squeezed so tight, you wouldn't be able to pry them apart with a crowbar!

(((MUAH)))

Jamie Lee Curtis

2007-07-03T14:56:00.000-05:00

Jamie Lee has such an enormous ego, that she thinks that what she says is the gospel truth.

I first heard about Ms. Curtis's article from the gang at BTC.

Here are my thoughts about Ms. Curtis's comments.
What makes Ms. Curtis think that everyone who watch's reality shows, do so for negative reasons only? I don't watch because I am "obsessed with watching people lose", I watch because I like to see people win. These shows have also taught me to be more creative in my own cooking, decorating, fashion and so on. The fact that someone who has never watched a reality show before or even how to turn a television on (why does she have one then?), considers themselves able to judge the shows themselves or the viewers who watch these shows, is a conceited fool at best. Oh yeah, did you happen to notice that she used the opportunity to hawk her book? Me thinks that Ms. Curtis is a bit of a hypocrite.(((MUAH)))

Happy Monday!

2007-07-02T13:01:00.000-05:00

Why am I in such a good mood you may ask?
The reason is that my family went on a float trip this past weekend and I got to relax away from the telephone, my husband's mistress (the TV), my mother-in-law and all the other things that drive me crazy.

Oh yeah, and I got some nature booty.

Getting booty away's makes the Ho a happy Ho.

(((MUAH)))

Advice From the HO...

2007-06-28T13:02:00.000-05:00

"Always practice safe sex,

look both ways before cumming."

(((MUAH)))

Jury of your peers?

2007-06-26T23:56:00.001-05:00

I've been on call for jury duty since last week, the damn lawyers asked for a continuation. I got to thinking (I know, I know, that's a dangerous thing for me to be doing), about what the trial was about. I came to the conclusion that it must be one bad ass blogger. I mean, you get a jury of your peers right? I'm a blogger, so therefore another blogger must be on trial. Makes sense doesn't it? I'm not a murderer, drug dealer, car thief, bank robber or anything like that so I can't be one of their peers. That got me to wondering just how they get a jury for any of these criminals. Wouldn't the jury get arrested too? The judicial system is very confusing.

Back to the blogger.....they must have written something really bad to be put on trail. Did they blog about Paris Hilton?, that's enough to get you the death penalty. Maybe it was about Donald Trumps hair, that over hair sprayed mess should get the electric chair. Or maybe they blogged about the freaks that are on myspace (most of which are my friends). Whatever they did, I promise be fair and honest with my verdict.
Who am I kidding?
Fry the bastard!!!!

(((MUAH)))

International Weblogger’s Day

2007-06-14T18:37:00.000-05:00

Apparently today is International Weblogger’s Day and Allison from Reality on Bravo has tagged me to write a post about five reasons I love to blog, and then to tag five other people (from blogs I love to read) to do the same. It’s a way to promote blogging and to draw you into our web, Hee Hee Hee (btw, that's supposed to be a wicked laugh). You can't resist coming back for more once the Ho has you under her spell.

1. Because it's an opportunity for me to release my inner bitch.
2. I can say whatever I like and I have a lot to say.
3. When I'm on the computer blogging, then my husband has full control of the remote. I like to let him think he's the one with the ball's in our marriage every once in a while.
4. My sister (Chef Biatch/Brillke) got me hooked on blogging when she asked me if I would help with graphics on Blogging Top Chef: Chewing It Up and Spitting It Out! and then asked me to join the gang on Top Design Blogger...Desecrating The Decorating and then asked if I would stay on when we started Bravissimo up. I got hooked and the rest is history.
5. I blog because it's fun, I meet great people and because it helps me (in a small way), to fulfill my life long dream of becoming an author. Don't you dare laugh or The Ho will punch you in the pie ho.

1. The amazing Eric from eric three thousand
2. The other Eric from everything eric
3. Linda from ::Surroundings::
4. The gals at Blogging Top Chef: Chewing It Up and Spitting It Out!
5. Sarakastic from The Fibromyalgia Experiment

Check these blogs out, they rock!

(((MUAH)))

New Friends

2007-06-13T13:41:00.000-05:00

I went on a friends search today on myspace. My original idea was to find new readers for the blogs that I am associated with, Blogging Top Chef:Chewing It Up and Spitting It Out!, Bravissimo and this one. But I soon found myself finding, lets say "very interesting" people. These are the kind of people that I can relate to best, so called "normal" people just don't get me. I will be researching some of my new friends and plan on posting about them here (with their permission of course). So make plans to check back, this should prove to be very enlightening. And if you want to be one of my myspace friends, check me out at http://www.myspace.com/thehoinmo.

(((MUAH)))

Paris Who?

2007-06-09T21:03:00.001-05:00

I have been missing in action for a while now due to personal issues. Now that I am heavily medicated, I can return to blogging about whatever crap that comes to my warped mind. And the first thing that comes to mind is Paris Hilton, but who the hell wants to hear anymore about that bitch? Let's talk about something worthwhile instead. For instance, when should you mow your lawn? I've heard that you should mow it early in the morning, but if my white trash neighbor ever dares to crank up his three wheeled, duct taped handled, sounds like it's going to blow up at any second lawnmower that doubles as a mosquito fogger, he's going to have one pissed off Ho to deal with. The Ho does not do mornings. I've also heard that it's usually too hot to mow your lawn in the middle of the day, something about burning the grass or something? But I do so love looking at a nice young thing, six packed, body glistening with sweat, pushing a lawnmower.......

Holy Mother of Pearl!

He can mow my lawn anytime. And cut my grass too. Now where was I? I don't have a clue after seeing that picture! I think that I'll just go ahead and post this so that I can sit here and fatasize about....

(((MUAH)))

Bravissimo!

2007-04-14T14:04:00.000-05:00

The team from Top Design Blogger...Desecrating The Decorating, along with the fabulous Laz, have started a new blog, Bravissimo:Altered States of Reality. We will dish, discuss, admire and fling snarkisms at Bravo's reality shows. So come on over and check us out!

(((MUAH)))

Helllllllllllllllp!

2007-04-13T22:56:00.000-05:00

I need some ideas for my blog. Send me whatever you can think of, anything at all, I'm begging here! And I promise to give you credit for your ideas. Cross my fingers, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.

Well, I'll cross my fingers at least.

(((MUAH)))

Who the hell...

2007-04-10T16:05:00.000-05:00

Who the hell is the moron that designs bathroom stalls? If anyone knows, send them my way so that I can lock them inside one of these tiny torture chambers for about a week. They are no bigger then the average sized refrigerator. You have to step inside, straddle the toilet to close the door, sit down, pull your knees up to your chest to be able to do your business, then you better hope that your a contortionist if you want to wipe your goods, then straddle the toilet once again to open the door so you can get out. Oh yeah, and let's not forget about pulling your pants up and down, if you succeed in doing this without beating yourself black & blue against the sides of the stall or banging your head into the door, or even better yet, without stepping into the toilet, then you must be a direct descendant of the Great Houdini.
(((MUAH)))

Happy Easter

2007-04-06T22:54:00.000-05:00

I would like to take this opportunity to wish you a very Happy Easter. And if you have to hide eggs inside because it will be as cold at your house as it is supposed to be here this weekend, then I hope that all the eggs are found. Because there's nothing like the disgusting aroma of rotten eggs filling your home.

Ewwwwww!
(((MUAH)))

Brain Fart

2007-04-04T18:44:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had one of those days where your mind just goes blank? That my friend, is called a brain fart. What is a brain fart you might ask? Being the ever inquisitive Ho that I am, decided to find out.
I found this definition on Google-
Brain Fart: A lapse in the thought process; an inability to think or remember clearly. Draw a blank.
That's the story of my life.
Then I found this question posted on a Yahoo Polls & Surveys page-
Andrew: What does a brain fart smell like?
Ardeur: It smells like dumb.
Me thinks that Ardeur is very smart.
I also found a recipe for a drink called Brain Fart-
1 fifth Everclear alcohol

1 fifth Smirnoff Red Label vodka

2 liters Mountain Dew citrus soda

2 liters Surge citrus soda

1 bottle lemon juice

1 pint Bacardi white rum

Pre-chill soda, and mix slowly with other ingredients and ice in a punch bowl. Serve in punch bowl.
Can you imagine Grandma serving that at her next Red Hat Society luncheon?
After all the exhausting research on the subject, the conclusion that I have arrived at is this, that I have confused you even more or convinced you that I am a walking, talking brain fart.

What else did you expect from me?
(((MUAH)))

Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!

2007-04-03T14:58:00.000-05:00

I'm going to start boycotting Mondays.
My day started out early, like 6:13 am early, when the telephone started ringing like it was trying out for the part of an ambulance siren. Not only did it just about give me a heart attack, but I think that I set some sort of world record while being air borne and wrapped in blankets while screaming like a freakin banshee. And to top it off, it was a wrong number! I swear that I will invent a device that can go through the phone lines and send an electrical current to shock the piss out of anyone that makes wrong numbers at such an insane time in the morning. And you know there was no chance of going back to sleep after that. Sooooo, I get up and proceed to trip over my ninety five pound bear of a dog who just loves to lie in wait for me to do just that, and land on the knee that is already giving me problems. It's hell getting old. The day goes on with all the lovely mundane things that have to be done around the house. WooHoo, fun, fun. Then I get the bright idea to clean out the fridge, silly me. While taking out a bowl of my husbands kick ass, burn your guts out chili, I bump my elbow and send the bowl crashing to the floor. Needless to say that I just loved cleaning up that mess. Not. Let me see, what else happened that day, my daughter and her boyfriend had some drama, my husband gets pulled over on his way home from work and gets a speeding ticket, and I try to put this post up all day without any success. What is it with web servers any way? You have something that you want or need to do, and they go caput on you.
I should have stayed in bed.
(((MUAH)))

Conspiracy Theory

2007-03-30T11:22:00.000-05:00

What's up with Girl Scout Cookies these days?
I remember my parents buying them when I was a kid, the boxes were much larger and was filled with cookies. Now you pay $5000 for a miniscule package that contains two cookies. Excuse me, but something is wrong with this picture. Here's what I think is happening....Big Brother has taken over the cookie factory's, they are inserting microchips instead of chocolate chips and you don't want to know what they are doing with the peanut butter! Forget about tapping your phone, they will be tapping your large intestines in the near future.
(((MUAH)))

My Three Sons

2007-03-29T19:47:00.000-05:00

I had adopted (unofficially of course) Michael, Erik & Goil from Bravos Top Design. I love my boys dearly, they are as sweet & loving sons as any mother could want. But the evil botox gang took them away from me. They have been sent to foster homes where they will be subjected to cruelty beyond belief. Oh the horrors they must face, like having to hear the words GMC Arcadia over and over and over again, seeing Jonathan Adler vases on every surface imaginable (there everywhere!) or even worse yet, having their hair crimped by their wicked foster sister.

My poor, poor boys.

(((MUAH)))

2007-03-29T13:19:00.000-05:00

This is my first solo attempt at blogging, so please bare with me as I feel my way around. That way if anything looks sloppy, stupid or just plain weird, I can always fall back on the excuse that I'm learning the ropes. Or, I could just blame my sister, it worked when we were kids.

(((MUAH)))